I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
