Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
