i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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