Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize