I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
