My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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