I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
