Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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