I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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