take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
My pussy is not your playground.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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