come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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