i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
