You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
