Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just blew my weed a kiss
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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