dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
