I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
