I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
