my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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