I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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