theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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