Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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