It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
