i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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