Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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