My friends, they love my intelligence
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
