She is in my trunk
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize