She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
