i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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