epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
