I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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