Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
