Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
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