Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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