I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
