seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
