I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
So much Jack, so little girl.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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