onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
