Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
