Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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