on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
