she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
