why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
