I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize