hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
