You smell like a Billy Joel song
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
