i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
