I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
