how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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