rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
