Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
