I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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