Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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