I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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