I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize