wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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