everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize