Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
