I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
