doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Randomize
