Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
